Sunday, March 26, 2017

Gone But Not Forgotten

Do you Bitches ever use cemetery databases to search for the burial sites of ancestors or celebrities?

The Mistress uses one such database to look at a certain someone's grave from time to time ... to make sure he's still dead.


Yes, it's the simple pleasures in life that bring joy to The Mistress.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

I Will Smite Thee

I know you'll find this hard to believe but The Mistress can be critical.

I think we all agree that a little snark is a wonderful thing. But what if your attitude is petty or just plain wrong?

Allow me to give you an example.

Location: The express lane of a grocery store.

The Mistress notices that the customer in front of her has at least THIRTY items in her shopping cart. The express lane limit is TEN items.

The following brief conversation ensues:

The Mistress: (snarkily) It looks like this express lane is no longer limited to 10 or fewer items. Did they forget to change the signage?

Customer: None of the other lanes were open so this cashier said I could use the express lane.

Embarrassed by her faux pas, The Mistress feigns interest in a sale in the incontinence feminine hygiene aisle and beats a hasty retreat...


It was early in the morning, there were few shoppers in the store, and the cashier was being kind by offering express lane services to the customer. Had The Mistress not jumped to the conclusion that the customer was trying to pull a fast one by sneaking into the express lane with a full cart, she could have saved herself embarrassment.

The above scenario illustrates The Mistress's tendency to open her mouth before thinking through a situation.

The Mistress has been trying to be less critical of others (with the exception of striking down anyone wearing Crocs) but unfortunately, instead of improving, she's getting worse! The more she tries to hold her tongue, the more she can't resist opening her mouth and saying something she may regret.

How can The Mistress be more tactful in situations of all sorts? Your suggestions are welcome.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Fashion Crime at McDonald's

Gevondis Demond Joseph, 29, of Port Arthur, Texas was charged with aggravated robbery of a McDonald's in Groves, Texas ... with a hairbrush.

The suspect walked into the McDonald's and demanded money, giving the employees the impression that he had a handgun in his pocket. It turned out to be a hairbrush.

Groves City Marshal Norman Reynolds, Jr. said, "He was in and out pretty quick. I don't think he got an Egg McMuffin or anything."

We here at Infomaniac hope that the supsect will also be charged for committing a fashion crime: wearing a leopard-print robe, orange gloves and ORANGE CROCS.

"I'm not sure if he was out late or up early. We don't really know why he was dressed like that," said Reynolds. "Maybe he thought he was going to Walmart and wanted to make the Top 20... what are they called? Walmartians?"

Unfortunately, we here at Infomaniac were not able to obtain a photo of the suspect's footwear. In their place, we present the equally offensive ORANGE CROCS of chef Mario Batali...

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Cheers to Eleven Years

The Mistress has been cranking out this blog for 11 years now...

We here at Infomaniac hope you've been enjoying yourselves as much as I have.

Here's to Infomaniac and to Infomaniac Bitches!

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Mr. DeVice - Birthday Boy

Happy birthday, Mr. DeVice!...

Do my eyes deceive me or is the young Mr. DeVice grasping a pair of fuzzy dice?

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Snow Pants

For those of you in milder climes who have never seen SNOW PANTS, behold...

Snow pants are bulky, insulated, waterproof, windproof trousers designed to keep you warm and dry when the temperature plummets. They're ideal if you engage in winter sports, live almost anywhere in Canada or spend a lot of time waiting for public transit on frigid days.

They usually have an elasticized waist, making it easy to slip them over your regular trousers.

Most snow pants have boot gaiters: an elasticized cuff on the inner bottom of the pants. On days with deep snowfall, these gaiters prevent the snow from filling up your boots.

Many folk would not be caught dead in snow pants after the age of FIVE but those of us who require an extra layer of warmth are willing to look ridiculous.

Only last week, I ventured out to the ravine for a walk when I sunk up to my hips in snow. Yes, that's how deep it was and thankfully, I was wearing my snow pants.

Rather embarrassingly, snow  pants make a swishing sound as you walk; the result of the fabric from one leg rubbing against the other leg. You cannot walk quietly in snow pants.

Go on and laugh at this fashion folly. The Mistress has restocked the "Banned" stickers and is ready to use them.

Note: We are aware that the British word for underpants is "pants" so extra "Banned" stickers have been ordered for anyone thinking, "oh how funny...The Mistress wears snow underpants!"

Monday, March 20, 2017

Somewhere, it is Spring

The first day of spring officially begins on Monday, March 20, 2017.

But not in Canada, it seems.

We hope it's much more springlike wherever you are, Bitches.